I'm not quite sure where to begin, so I'll start off by saying that life has been a whirlwind these past few months. There is so much I want to say...
March 2013
During the rigors of AMOC, I had to deal with my Grandmother (Nanay's) impending death. Since I was her next of kin, I had to make all of the decision based on her health. I had to be excused from AMOC to come back home and visit her.
I flew back home in a whirlwind of trial. I arrived on a Wednesday and went to visit her in the hospital on Thursday. She died that day. I couldn't talk to her, or hear her voice because she was sedated to help protect her against the pain. The situation as all too familiar to me. I wanted to vomit the whole time I was there. I hate hospitals. I'm just glad I was able to be there with my Grandma.
I had to make the decision of whether or not to "pull the plug".
There were three potential situations for her:
1. Keep her on the ventilator. If I did this, she would have to stay in a hospice or 24/7 care facility.
2. Give her a tracheotomy. It would be the same as above and she would not be able to talk etc.
3. Take her off of the ventilator completely and see if she can survive without it. The chances of that happening were slim to none.
I went with #3 because I knew she would hate life if she were to live like a vegetable and I couldn't see her that way. She lasted less than an hour. I was the only person with her when she died. She squeezed my hand one last time and I saw her take her final breath.
It was too much. All too familiar. The sights, sounds and smells of the hospital room. It made me feel like I was my 9 year old self.
I pray I never have to go through it again.
The following days are a blur. We had a small memorial service for her in the same funeral home that my Mom's was in. You can imagine how unpleasant and eerie that was. I told myself I was never going to set foot in that place ever again after my Mom's death. That didn't happen.
I had to fly back to Texas, grab my car and drive back to Georgia and stay there for 3 weeks until I had to drive back to Texas to finish my training.
So I drove back to Texas. Finished my training. And drove back to Georgia.
While it has almost been 4 months since she died, I still haven't grieved completely over her death. I believe it's in large part because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I do, it will open up the floodgates of the memories of my Mother's death because they were similar. I have agreed to get some counseling done with my Pastor here in Georgia. There is a lot of hurt and pain that I haven't straightened out yet. That goes back many many years that I haven't faced. Mostly because of fear. Fear that will incapacitate me. I believe I'm fairly open with my past, but I haven't completely been free of it. I want to be free of it. I want to heal. Finally. After almost 15 years of pain, anger and hurt... I want to be healed.
I'll update with the other months at a later time...
