Healing

I'm not quite sure where to begin, so I'll start off by saying that life has been a whirlwind these past few months.  There is so much I want to say...

March 2013
During the rigors of AMOC, I had to deal with my Grandmother (Nanay's) impending death.  Since I was her next of kin, I had to make all of the decision based on her health.  I had to be excused from AMOC to come back home and visit her.
I flew back home in a whirlwind of trial.  I arrived on a Wednesday and went to visit her in the hospital on Thursday.  She died that day.  I couldn't talk to her, or hear her voice because she was sedated to help protect her against the pain.  The situation as all too familiar to me.  I wanted to vomit the whole time I was there.  I hate hospitals.  I'm just glad I was able to be there with my Grandma.
I had to make the decision of whether or not to "pull the plug".
There were three potential situations for her:
1.  Keep her on the ventilator.  If I did this, she would have to stay in a hospice or 24/7 care facility.
2.  Give her a tracheotomy.  It would be the same as above and she would not be able to talk etc.
3.  Take her off of the ventilator completely and see if she can survive without it.  The chances of that happening were slim to none.

I went with #3 because I knew she would hate life if she were to live like a vegetable and I couldn't see her that way.  She lasted less than an hour.  I was the only person with her when she died.  She squeezed my hand one last time and I saw her take her final breath.
It was too much.  All too familiar.  The sights, sounds and smells of the hospital room.  It made me feel like I was my 9 year old self.
I pray I never have to go through it again.
The following days are a blur.  We had a small memorial service for her in the same funeral home that my Mom's was in.  You can imagine how unpleasant and eerie that was.  I told myself I was never going to set foot in that place ever again after my Mom's death.  That didn't happen.

I had to fly back to Texas, grab my car and drive back to Georgia and stay there for 3 weeks until I had to drive back to Texas to finish my training.
So I drove back to Texas.  Finished my training.  And drove back to Georgia.
While it has almost been 4 months since she died, I still haven't grieved completely over her death.  I believe it's in large part because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that if I do, it will open up the floodgates of the memories of my Mother's death because they were similar.  I have agreed to get some counseling done with my Pastor here in Georgia.  There is a lot of hurt and pain that I haven't straightened out yet.  That goes back many many years that I haven't faced.  Mostly because of fear.  Fear that will incapacitate me.  I believe I'm fairly open with my past, but I haven't completely been free of it.  I want to be free of it.  I want to heal.  Finally.  After almost 15 years of pain, anger and hurt... I want to be healed.  

I'll update with the other months at a later time...

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank) - Desiring God

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank) - Desiring God

This was very convicting to me and felt led to share it.  What a wonderful reminder or dying to self and clinging to the cross for everything.  Letting go and letting God.

Day Ten: 1 Picture

Yay!  All done :)

Taken in Panama City Beach, Florida :)

Day 9: Two Songs

These are the top two songs that have been on repeat for the past few days:

1. "It Won't Be Like This For Long"- Darius Rucker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5zCaRaJ-kE&ob=av2e

2.  "Chicken Fried"- Zac Brown Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4ujS1er1r0&feature=BFa&list=FLa1mxupkrzpkFt8n8V8RmgQ

Day 8: Three Films

Three films... this is going to be tough.  I love movies!

1. "The Fall" - absolutely incredible movie.  It's so colorful and eye catching with a unique plot. Oh, and Lee Pace :)  If you haven't seen it, you're wrong!  You need to watch it ASAP :)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460791/


2.  "Inception" - so interesting!

3.  "Spaceballs" - yes.  I can watch this movie over and over again and never get tired of it.  I have lost count of how many times I have seen it and can quote the entire movie while watching it... it's pretty sad :P

Some others that I love: "Robin Hood Men in Tights", "The Princess Bride", basically any Mel Brooks movie... I can go on and on....

Day 7: Four Books

Four Books... this is going to be a hard one.
The following are my all time favorites:

1. "The Secret Garden" by Frances Hodgson Burnett

2. "Sense and Sensibility" by Jane Austen

3. "Jesus Freaks: Martyrs: Stories of Those Who Stood for Jesus" by Dc Talk

4.  "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery

There are many others on my "all time favorites list" but these are the first that come to mind. :)

Catch Up: Days 4, 5 & 6

Day 4: Seven Wants

1.  At the moment: the beach with a beach chair, umbrella, book and a tall glass of sweet tea

2.  A bed and dining room table and chairs! :)

3.  My family and friends to be with me... that's been the hardest part of growing up and moving out

4.  Paid off loans!

5.  Mint chocolate chip ice cream

6.  A puppy

7.  A deep tissue massage

Day 5: Six Places

1.  Shelbyville, Michigan on my Aunt and Uncles Farm surrounded by family sitting in front of the bonfire roasting marshmallows, telling crazy stories and having deep meaningful conversations till 3am.  Some of my favorite memories are on that farm with my family.  Love you guys!

2.  College Park, Maryland.  Oh, how I miss you.  I miss all of the incredible memories there.  I changed so much there, for the better.  I became a better person through the people that I met there.  It will always hold a place in my heart.

3.  Baltimore Inner Harbor.  So so many memories with incredible people.

4.  Hanover, Maryland.  My home.  Perfect location between Baltimore, Annapolis and D.C.  I miss it and my family and friends being in arms reach.

5.  Annapolis, Maryland.  So many memories there as well.  Walking around DTA at 1am, getting caught in the rain and talking about Plebes.  Chick n Ruths and watching the sailboats on the water.

6.  Castle Rock, Colorado.  Even though I've only been there once, it stole my heart!  I love the scenery, my family and the location.  It's such a beautiful place and I hope one day my future family can settle there.

Day 6:  Five Foods

1.  Pizza, all kinds: Chicago Deep Dish, New York style, just about any combination, it is so versatile!

2.  Steak.  The best steak that I think I have ever had is at a restaurant in Wichita Falls (gasp) called Pasquals.  So juicy and flavorful.

3.  Sushi.  I just wish it wasn't so expensive!

4.  Filipino food.  'Nuff said

5.  I love trying new food... :)

Day 3: Eight Fears

I'll just cut to the chase with this one:

1.  SPIDERS

2.  Drowning... one reason why I wish I could swim better

3.  Having my house or the house of someone I care about broken into

4.  Getting in another accident

5.  Me or someone I love getting kidnapped

6.  Me or someone I love getting raped

7.  I know this is something I shouldn't worry about but sometimes I have bad dreams of not being able to have children of my own.

8.  Me or someone I love getting Alzheimers or some other degenerative brain disease

*I think I watched too much C.S.I. after looking at my list of fears...

Day 2: Nine Loves

Woot!  I'm actually on a roll here...haha

For my "Nine Loves" I am going to exclude the obvious (to me) loves of my life: God, Micah, my family and friends.  Also, the following list is definitely not all inclusive or in any particular order.

1.  Food.  And cooking it!  :) Especially trying new food/restaurants.

2.  Reading and books.  It might be an addiction.

3.  Laughing.  I love to laugh, especially to the point where your face hurts!

4.  Landscapes.  I haven't decided which one I like the best, but pretty much any landscape that takes my breath away whether it is the sea, mountains, an open field full of cows, a dramatic skyline.  I just love admiring them.

5.  Blogs!  I follow quiet a few...

6.  Airports, planes, flying, air shows... anything having to do with aviation.

7.  Fireflys!  One of my favorite parts of summer :)

8.  Museums.  One of my bucket list items is to visit every museum that exists (don't know if that is going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?)

9.  Hugs.  I love to hug and be hugged.  Especially ones that linger and make you smile.

That was fun and happy.  I might have to continue my list else where :) yay lists!

Ten Day "You" Challenge: Day 1

So I saw this on one of my friends blogs and thought it would be an interesting "challenge" to take on.  I also thought it would be fun to do something different for a little while.

10 Secrets:

Well, for one I don't think I have 10 secrets that no body knows about. I can pretty much think of at least 1 person that knows of all of my "secrets".  Anywho, I guess I'll put down some facts about me that not many people know about.

1. After my accident last May, I am overly paranoid about driving and have little (sometimes big) panic attacks every once in awhile.  It has been by God's Grace alone that I haven't had another accident... it has definitely taught me how to calm down when I'm by myself in a very stressful situation.  Sometimes I have flashbacks while driving or have visions of me getting in an even worse accident... not fun.

2.  I love making lists... I make many many lists.  Whether it's a "to do" list, grocery list, dream list, you name it, I've probably made it.  I have been making lists for as long as I've been able to write... even before that, I used to line up my crayons in a row after I was done using it (just ask my Dad, he has video proof).

3.  I am struggling a lot with where I am in my life right now, in regards to me being in the military.  I know God has me here for a reason and I have faith in that.  At this point, I see where my motivations for joining were not of God and for all the wrong reasons.  I don't believe I am "suffering the consequences" of it, but a part of me wonders what life would be like if I hadn't made it this far.  I know that in the end, it will all be for His Glory and not my own, which is all that matters in the first place.

4.  I think about death a lot.  Not in a suicidal way, which a former me used to have a lot of thoughts of, but wondering what life after this is going to be like.  Sometimes, I find myself praying that the Lord comes again soon so I don't have to experience death or more deaths of my friends and family.  I often wonder why I have experienced death so much in my young life, and I know I will only be experiencing more as I get older and especially as I meet more people.  I don't really have any words for how I feel about that...

5.  I have vivid memories of my childhood.  I am very thankful for this, as a lot of them involve my Mom.  Sometimes I dream about her and it's as if she's here, but then I wake up and sadly realize it was just a dream.  I often wonder what I would be like if the Lord hadn't taken her home.  I also wonder what she would be like and what our relationship would be.  I was so young when she died and there is so much I don't know about her.  My heart aches knowing that she won't be there to see me walk down the aisle or hold her first grandchild.  I know she would have made my wedding dress (she was very talented at sewing, baking, cooking, learning languages...).  I miss her. a lot.

6.  After my Grandma died last month (my Mom's Mom), that scar was ripped open again.  It feels as if my last connection with my Mom died with her.  I miss her, too.  Sometimes, I catch myself dialing her number to give her a call and realize that she isn't there anymore.  I can't bear to delete her number from my phone though.

7.  Since being on my own and "growing up", I have realized that sometimes you only have certain friends for a season.  People move on and move out and it's hard to keep in touch with everyone, even with technology.  At first, this was hard for me, but then I realize that sometimes, God gives you that person for that season of life and will bless you with another one in a different season.  Not that it's replacing that person, just adding to the people that I am fortunate enough to have known.

8.  (Okay, so this is really random and a different vein from my other "secrets" but I just realized a "secret" that probably no one knows about.)  I used to pick and eat my scabs when I was little.  Sometimes I still do (when I actually have them, I don't really get scabs anymore :P)  I know, gross.  I don't know what my problem is! haha

9.  Now that you are thoroughly disgusted... I really want to play the violin again.  I miss it, and want to get my violin all tuned up and start re-teaching myself!

10.  This isn't really a secret but... I can't wait for when God opens the door for me and Micah to start our life together :)

So now that I have run the gamut on this one... I hope to not be so depressing in my future posts.  Sorry! If you actually read all that... thank you :)

When I Need a Friend

One thing I've realized about myself once I started living on my own is how much I have grown to appreciate my "alone time".
I have also grown to appreciate weekends more than I ever have.  Especially more than when I was in college.  One thing that being an Aircraft Maintenance Officer guarantees is busyness, which definitely helps the week go by fast.
I believe one reason why I crave my "alone time" is for the sole reason that I already feel so alone.  I'm around people all day in class, we socialize, laugh, banter.  It's all good and fun.  But then everyone goes about their merry way once class is out until the next day.
I have found it so difficult to connect to people like I used to.  The only thing I can think of is lack of common interest.  
I always feel like I'm a million miles away.  Being a Christian, especially, in this career field has been very challenging.  I would rather be a missionary in a foreign country than ministering to my peers that are of similar age, walks of life, standard of living, career goals etc.

I miss having deep conversations, being silly and goofy without any shame.  I miss connections and refreshing conversations.  So many of the conversations here are incredibly shallow.  Drinking, partying, getting drunk, girls etc.  Blah.
My heart yearns for friendship.  My heart misses having someone to talk to on a daily basis.  I miss being silly and goofy.  I miss being myself.  I miss having friends only a phone call away.  I miss being able to call someone to hang out and being readily available.  I miss having the majority of my friends all in one area.
The Lord has been refining me in ways I had no idea was possible.  My heart of stone turning into a heart of flesh.  My eyes are constantly opened to the brokenness and sin of this world and the everlasting need for our Savior.
The Lord has been my constant companion.  My only friend out here.  Don't get me wrong, I love my Skype dates with my family and friends back home.  But it's just not the same, I miss feeling the warmth of a hug or sharing in peals of laughter, dancing in the hallways and being silly like no one else is around.
I think I find that being alone is easier, more comfortable.  I'm not sure if the Lord is telling me that I need to pursue those conversations with these people anyway.  Maybe this is God telling me that now is the time to be a light.  I am placing my candle under a bowl instead of letting it shine.  Maybe this is God telling me that He wants me to be His vessel for this broken place.  It still renders me speechless when I think of Him wanting to use me for His Kingdoms work.  A broken sinner, always crawling back to Him after falling over and over again.  However, He is always faithful in picking me up and cradling me in His arms.  My only Friend, my only Friend that loves me through my filth and sees the diamond underneath.  My only Friend that loves me unconditionally.  My only Friend that loves me with a pure heart.
Thank you, Jesus, for always being there when I feel all alone.  Help me to be strong when I feel so weak.  Help me be the hands and feet that You need to minister to the fallen.  Help me, Lord, to not fear.  Help me step out boldly instead of having my "alone time", at least be able to discern when it is okay to have my "alone time" instead of using it as an excuse to hide my light under the basket.

Soli Deo Gloria.  To God alone be the Glory.

Update

Just to let you all know, I haven't forgotten about my lovely blog.  Life... has been topsy turvy as of late.
I have had many things on my mind this past month:
Death
Life
Heaven
Contentment (or lack thereof)
My future
Longing
My Family and Friends
Maryland
Wishing I was anywhere but here
Praying for contentment and peace.

How I long to be content with where God has me right now.  I want to fast forward these next 4 years.  I have what so many people long for, which makes me feel so guilty because it is not my hearts desire to be where I am right now in regards to the military.  Don't get me wrong, I am honored to have a place in the Worlds most powerful Air Force, but in my humble opinion, it is nothing like I imagined it would be.

I will talk about that some more later, but right now I have to start brushing up on some maintenance powerpoints and AFI's.
To be continued...

One Week

It's been a week since my Grandma has been in the ICU.  Continue to pray for her, the doctor is only giving her a 50% chance of survival.  This is discouraging since I heard that she was doing well according to the nurses.  I'm not sure who to believe any more.
Oh well.
On the bright side, I only have 3 more weekends here in Texas before I get to go back to Georgia.  Still haven't mustered up the brawn to call it "home".  Trying to just take it one day at a time.

"Your Hands"

I'm not sure who reads my blog, or if anyone reads it... but whoever you are, please pray for my Grandma.  She's in the ICU right now after a nearly fatal heart attack she had yesterday and is on a respirator and is under a lot of medication to keep her blood pressure down.  If she improves today, she has a better chance of survival.  If she shows no improvement by tomorrow, her chances are even less.
I know that the Lord is with her even now.  Please pray for peace and that she will be restored to us.  
I have been listening to this song over and over again: Your Hands- JJ Heller

"I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world 
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands" 

I Surrender

Today is a prayer made from one of my favorite hymns... 


I Surrender All:


All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

Refrain

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

Refrain

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

Refrain

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

Refrain


Heavenly Father,

Take the pieces of my heart that are shattered on the floor.  "All to you I freely give, Lord."  Take my heart and make it whole.  

In Your Heavenly Name I pray,

Amen

My Grace is sufficient for Thee

Today, I wanted to share an entry from "Streams in the Desert" by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman.  For those of you that don't have it or have never heard of it, I highly recommend it!  It's a wonderful devotional and it has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what you're going through that day to feed your soul :)

The other evening I was riding home after a heavy day's work.  I felt very wearied, and sore depressed, when swiftly, and suddenly as a lightening flash, that text came to me, "My grace is sufficient for thee."  I reached home and looked it up in the original, and at last it came to me in this way, "MY grace is sufficient for thee"; and I said, "I should think it is, Lord," and burst out laughing.  I never fully understood what the holy laughter of Abraham was until then.  It seemed to make unbelief so absurd.  It was as though some little fish, being very thirsty, was troubled about drinking the river dry, and Father Thames said, "Drink away, little fish, my stream is sufficient for thee."  Or, it seemed after seven years of plenty, a mouse feared it might die of famine; and Joseph might say, "Cheer up, little mouse, my granaries are sufficient for thee."  Again, I imagined a man away up yonder, in a lofty mountain, saying to himself, "I breathe so many cubic feet of air every year, I fear I shall exhaust the oxygen in the atmosphere," but the earth might say, "Breathe away, O man, and fill the lungs ever, my atmosphere is sufficient for thee."  Oh, brethren, be great believers!  Little faith will bring your souls to heaven, but great faith will bring heaven to your souls.  C. H. Spurgen

 "His grace is great enough to meet the great things---The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,The sudden storms beyond our life's control.
His grace is great enough to meet the small things---The little pin-prick troubles that annoy,The insect worries, buzzing and persistent,The squeaking wheels that grate upon our joy."Annie Johnson Flint

I continue to pray that God sustain me as I am here in Texas.  It has been very tough spiritually as I have not been surrounded by a body of believers like I am used to.  As a result, the Lord has drawn me closer to Him and has brought me to my knees (literally) more often than ever before.  He has reminded me that He is my source of strength and has taught me the blessing of Fellowship and friendship with those that share the same faith.  I have taken those for granted and I know I will appreciate being surrounded by fellow believers once I return to Georgia.

In the meantime and always, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my powers are made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12: 9

Holding On

It's days like to today that I have to take it one day at a time.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's one day closer.
It's days like today where I want to scream and cry.
It's days like today that I have to remember the source of my strength, it does not come from me, because if it did, I would have given up already.
I have to remember that the Lord will sustain me even now and when times get even harder.
Right now, all I want to do is throw in the towel.

Growing Up

Wow, it has been quite a while hasn't it!  I haven't done a very good job about filling everyone in...

I have had a very interesting, complicated, frustrating, fun, difficult, sad and educational time since I have gone active duty in the United States Air Force.  To sum it up, God has revealed to me that HE is the only one who has it all figured out.  Which has provided me great comfort when my stubborn heart realizes the truth and comfort in that promise.  Since leaving for active duty/Georgia in November (I went to the Biltmore House for Thanksgiving Vacation with my family after they moved me in, that will be another post later),

The Beautiful Biltmore House

I have grown an incredible amount.  This, however, has definitely not been an easy trip.  I knew it wasn't going to be an easy process, but it's completely different when you're actually going through it than when you're just thinking about it and seeing it loom in the future.

I lived on the bare minimum in terms of furniture for quite a while (still am, but thankfully once I get back I will have a few additions!).  I had an air mattress that my parents were very gracious to purchase for me, a camping chair and a little one person folding table and a desk, book shelf and desk chair.  I learned that I take a lot of things for granted and that I can get by without much! :)

my "office"

my bed, which is actually very comfortable! :)

living room and dinning room- otherwise known as the "great room"

le kitchen- my favorite room in the house

Settling in on my own was very difficult.  I'm sure many of you have experienced loneliness at times, but it was very poignant there.  I was blessed with a great church and wonderful fellowship, but I still felt like an outsider. The Lord blessed me with courage to step out of my comfort zone and to start attending events at the church.  I was extremely blessed the few short weeks I was there by the fellowship and worship.  God blessed me with a wonderful small group to attend and the people are so encouraging and supportive.

Leaving for Texas was difficult.  I was just starting to "fit in" and enjoy hanging out with new friends and getting acclimated to a work schedule.  Having to uproot myself to head start it all over again was almost too much to handle at the time.  Needless to say, it was a very emotional and trying time.  I knew that I had so much to look forward to and I could see God's hand working in marvelous ways.  One being that Micah and his Mom and two of his brothers got to stop by and visit with me for a while, as well as being extremely blessed with the opportunity to drive with Micah out to Texas.  A dear friend was willing to pay for half of his plane ticket back to GA from the Dallas airport.  I was humbled by her giving heart and was so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to:

1) not drive the 18 hours by myself in one day 

2) get to spend more time with Micah.

The drive out was uneventful (which was a very good thing).  We were able to stay at Papa and Granny Ann's house in Albany for a night and then head out to Clinton, Mississippi to stay at a family friends house the next night.  It was a very special time for the both of us because I was able to learn more about Micah's childhood and visit with a dear friend Mrs. Burgess and stopped by the church that Dr. King used to preach at when Micah and his siblings were wee little ones.

We visited the battle site after we left the Millers house

Where Micah grew up when he was 2-8 yrs old

Wasn't that excited...

There was a lot of time to reflect on all of the blessings I have been bestowed with.  The drive also made me realize how much I have taken for granted.  After seeing Micah off at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport for his flight back to Savannah, I got back to my car and cried like a baby.  I was basically a blubbering mess all the way to Wichita Falls.  Missing Micah was a large part of it, but the other half was the fact that life changes.  Life goes on.  Life will never be the same again.

Yes, this is true, life will never be the same again.  However, that is not always a bad thing.  As I got settled into a new routine for my training, I felt God whisper into my heart how HE has ordained this time in my life.  He has me here for a reason.  I am here to fulfill His purpose.  And you know what?  Being in a time of change in my life doesn't mean that I'm going to be comfortable.  I am way out of my comfort zone right now.  And that's a good thing.  I can't grow into who God wants me to be by just sitting around letting life pass me by.  

It's been about a month and a half since I've been here now and it has been a roller coaster time.  I can feel God molding me and refining me.  I have so much to look forward to in the future, but I have to remember to enjoy the present.

My friend Stephanie and I at the Wichita Falls "falls"

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that (for those of you who made it).  I hope to continue to update more faithfully.