One thing I've realized about myself once I started living on my own is how much I have grown to appreciate my "alone time".
I have also grown to appreciate weekends more than I ever have. Especially more than when I was in college. One thing that being an Aircraft Maintenance Officer guarantees is busyness, which definitely helps the week go by fast.
I believe one reason why I crave my "alone time" is for the sole reason that I already feel so alone. I'm around people all day in class, we socialize, laugh, banter. It's all good and fun. But then everyone goes about their merry way once class is out until the next day.
I have found it so difficult to connect to people like I used to. The only thing I can think of is lack of common interest.
I always feel like I'm a million miles away. Being a Christian, especially, in this career field has been very challenging. I would rather be a missionary in a foreign country than ministering to my peers that are of similar age, walks of life, standard of living, career goals etc.
I miss having deep conversations, being silly and goofy without any shame. I miss connections and refreshing conversations. So many of the conversations here are incredibly shallow. Drinking, partying, getting drunk, girls etc. Blah.
My heart yearns for friendship. My heart misses having someone to talk to on a daily basis. I miss being silly and goofy. I miss being myself. I miss having friends only a phone call away. I miss being able to call someone to hang out and being readily available. I miss having the majority of my friends all in one area.
The Lord has been refining me in ways I had no idea was possible. My heart of stone turning into a heart of flesh. My eyes are constantly opened to the brokenness and sin of this world and the everlasting need for our Savior.
The Lord has been my constant companion. My only friend out here. Don't get me wrong, I love my Skype dates with my family and friends back home. But it's just not the same, I miss feeling the warmth of a hug or sharing in peals of laughter, dancing in the hallways and being silly like no one else is around.
I think I find that being alone is easier, more comfortable. I'm not sure if the Lord is telling me that I need to pursue those conversations with these people anyway. Maybe this is God telling me that now is the time to be a light. I am placing my candle under a bowl instead of letting it shine. Maybe this is God telling me that He wants me to be His vessel for this broken place. It still renders me speechless when I think of Him wanting to use me for His Kingdoms work. A broken sinner, always crawling back to Him after falling over and over again. However, He is always faithful in picking me up and cradling me in His arms. My only Friend, my only Friend that loves me through my filth and sees the diamond underneath. My only Friend that loves me unconditionally. My only Friend that loves me with a pure heart.
Thank you, Jesus, for always being there when I feel all alone. Help me to be strong when I feel so weak. Help me be the hands and feet that You need to minister to the fallen. Help me, Lord, to not fear. Help me step out boldly instead of having my "alone time", at least be able to discern when it is okay to have my "alone time" instead of using it as an excuse to hide my light under the basket.
Soli Deo Gloria. To God alone be the Glory.
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